September 10, 2013
I know I’m hard to love.
That is my six word story. Today’s Daily Prompt: Write a six-word story about what you think the future holds for you, and then expand on it in a post.
I wanted to simply put down my story, my six words, and leave it at that. However, the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that there is someone in my life who deserves more than those six words, he deserves to know the truth. And so he will.
I Am My Own Worst Enemy
This was my first choice for my six word story. In fact, I have written these six words a number of times in journals, diaries, letters to friends, letters to myself and countless essays over the years. Finally, yes finally, I have come to understand why I do what I do. Finally, yes finally, I realize that I do not have to fight with myself; I can love myself. And I do, love myself that is. So, what now? What comes after learning to love yourself. For me, something extremely more difficult: allowing someone else to love me.
I Know I’m Hard to Love
I know I make it difficult to see why you fell in love with me. Even I forget sometimes, too. It is not you, it is me. But of course, you already knew that. You wonder where the happy, fun-loving woman you fell in love with went. Well, she is still here. But she is protecting herself the only way she knows how.
I know I’m hard to love. I am moody and mean. I’m a handful and I’m hurtful. I am impatient and independent. These are the tools I use to build my wall. These are the tools I use to build a wall not to keep you out, but to keep me in. I don’t want to keep you outside, I just don’t want anyone else but you to get in. But that is impossible for you to know unless I tell you.
I know I’m hard to love. I pick nothing from the air and turn it into something. I can take the smallest slight, real or imagined, and turn it into a war. In my wars, I always draw first blood. I want to be the one with first-strike capabilities. I want to hurt you before you hurt me, because then my hurt will be less.
I know I am hard to love. But I don’t want to be. I am deeply ashamed of myself every time I hurt you. I am devastated that I have let you see this side of me. I am embarrassed that you know how insecure I am. And I am afraid that I have pushed you too far.
I know I’m hard to love. But you see me. You see the me behind the hardness. You see the joy, the laughter, the love for life. You see that, and that is what you fell in love with. You see me. So you have to see what is in my heart, what is in my soul. You have to see what I don’t say.
I know I’m hard to love. What I don’t say is that I have never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you. What I don’t say is that my love for you knows no beginning and no end. What I don’t say is that some days when I think of you, I have to catch my breath. What I don’t say is that I don’t want to lose you, not ever…not ever…not…
I Don’t Want to Lose You
This is where my story ends. This is where it has to end because I can’t see past these six words. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t. So I will fight my fear and I will swallow my pride and I will let you love me. I will let you love the me you know me to be. And I will love you back.
And They Lived Happily Ever After
Now that’s a six word ending I could live with. Peace, ~v.