My [redacted] Journey

A teacher's search for inner peace.

I’m Not Done With Me, Yet

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October 12, 2013

Dear Readers,

“I’m on my way to self-discovery…yea!  So that I might gain some insight, I’m going to happily reveal all of my flaws and shortcomings,” said no woman, ever!  Yet, here I am.  However, there are a few things I must clear through my mind before I begin my journey in earnest.

First, I must deal with the obstacles I often create that hinder my progress.  That sounds crazy, I know. I mean who deliberately sets up roadblocks to stop progress?  Well, besides politicians, just about everyone on a journey of self-discovery.  I think people are more afraid of success than they are of failure; I know I am.  Once you reach a certain level of whatever it is you are seeking to improve, you are expected to maintain that higher standard.  And it is much more difficult to maintain excellence than it is to become excellent.

Although I have a strong foundation, I manufacture obstacles, or rather, excuses for not working to be a better me.  I know I have to mend, restore, redress, and balance what is off center in my life and within myself.  However, rectification must come before progress.  I must rectify my mistakes and my misgivings and my missteps.  In order to make right my relationship with my Self, I must stop avoiding that which has held me back through my own self-sabotage.  I cannot avoid my pain.  I cannot avoid grieving my loss.  I must go through the pain. I cannot go around the pain.  I cannot go over, under, or away from my pain.  I must go through the pain.  Additionally, I cannot rush the process; I must show restraint.  And in time, progress will begin.

Once I am safely on the other side of my pain, I will face another difficult challenge: receiving joy.  Yes, receiving joy has been my biggest challenge.  I have difficulty accepting that I am worthy of joy.  However, if I’ve learned nothing else this past year, I’ve learned that the light from within me shines bright and that light is my joy.  I must rejoice in it’s beauty, I must bask in it’s warmth.  With God’s help, I have a new clarity.  My soul, my joy, illuminates the me that I was always meant to be.  In time, that light will be restored and I will learn to accept my joy.

So dear Readers, what happens now in this new season of my life?  I believe it depends on the quality of my attitude and the clarity of my intention.  But first, I must be still.  I cannot act from my place in this world, such as it is, because I would only create new problems for myself.  I am coming from a place of weakness and vulnerability right now.  My best course of action is to just be still.  I will be careful not to indulge in my suffering.  I will be still and collect myself and wait on the will God.  And when it is time, I will move forward, content in the knowledge that I will live the life that God has planned for me, the life I so richly deserve.  Peace, ~v.

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