October 12, 2013
Yes, I get it; be still, listen. The problem with being still is that as you listen, you cannot filter out that which you do not want to hear.
Describe how you are feeling right now:
Every time I inhale, there is a whirlpool of hurt swirling around in the core of my being. Simultaneously, my eyes bleed tears that don’t stop until they drop into my lap. My body aches from the convulsive sobs that fall from my lips. My throat is scratchy and red from the lack of moisture my crying seems to have taken away from me. My lips are parched as well.
The sting on my tongue is becoming more prominent as I have to bite my tongue more, not less, as the days go by so as to keep from wailing aloud my sorrow. My arms have gone numb from my wrapping them around myself in a vain attempt to soothe and comfort this sad woman who is me.
I am a pariah, a leper, one of the untouchables who must remain outside of the metaphorical city until I am healed. My sickness is sorrow and it unnerves people. Even as the tears run silently down my face, everyone averts their eyes, as if somehow, if they ignore me, my pain will go away.
And there is no relief. There is no relief and there is no comfort.
I am exhausted, yet, I cannot sleep. When the tears finally subside, I am out of breath. My breathing is ragged and shallow. My eyes are swollen and now dry. Soon, my eyes will softly shut, my breathing will slow and become even. My shoulders will only sometimes, shudder involuntarily and I will sleep, not restfully, not peacefully, but thankfully, sleep. And still, there will be no relief.
Grief is not pretty, dear Readers, but it is necessary. Today, my grief is palpable, tomorrow, who knows? My crying jags are less frequent and begin later in the day. Hmm, cold comfort.
And I pray…
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Rev 21:4
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7
Amen. Peace, ~v.