My [redacted] Journey

A teacher's search for inner peace.

To Change the Way Things Are

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December 13, 2013

Dear Readers,

Change comes at a price.  Sometimes, the price is too high.  Other times, the price is just right.  Today, dear Readers, the price is right.

Change is inevitable.  In fact, it is the only thing in life you can count on:  things change.  As a young adult, I used to stubbornly dig in my heels and refuse to accept change.  That didn’t work, it just took me longer than was necessary to accept the change.  By my 30’s, I had accepted the fact that change was inevitable.  I would simply sit back and let change envelop me.  That didn’t work out too well, either, because I cannot be a passive participant in my own life.

I finally figured out the answer to life’s changes:  actively embrace change.  Instead of allowing this arbitrary thing called, “life” to dictate my changes, I had to be pro-active in seeking to change both myself and my life.  And so far, dear Readers, it’s working out to my advantage.

Things I’ve learned about myself in the past three months:

  • What I have been striving for, to be whole, I already was.
  • My future is mine to behold.
  • I must go through the pain in order to get over the pain.
  • My deepest fear, is my fear of success.

I’ll briefly touch on each of these.

Even though I keep my selves separate, I am the whole me, the complete me.  To be whole, to be complete, has always been my goal.  But, what I have been striving for, I already was.  I’ve made the mistake of seeking my own will.  Ironically, as I actively sought change, I realized that it is sometimes best to just be still.  Now, I do not seek my own will, but the will of the Lord.

Anything I try to avoid, ends up back to find me.  I have been through my fair share of tragedies.  I thought I had a handle on handling pain.  I didn’t.  For the record, avoiding pain is not the same as getting over the pain.  I have to really feel the pain in order to stop feeling the pain.  Kinda crazy, right?

The future is mine to behold.  With a few exceptions, I would like to be at the helm of my future.  I would like to be the one who controls my destiny, if you will.  I refuse to let my future just happen to me.  And although I believe in the saying, “Man plans and God laughs,” I believe I can invest in plans for my future and God will most definitely not laugh.  Which brings me to my most recent revelation.

My deepest fear, is the fear of my success.  I’m still grappling with the exact nature of my fear, otherwise I would go into great detail about this milestone revelation.  I will say that my fear of success stems from my fear that people will discover that I am a fraud.  And again, I haven’t quite been able to grasp what that means.  However, in my mind, I liken it to the wizard behind the curtain.  I am afraid someone is going to pull the curtain and everyone will discover that who they think I am is just smoke and mirrors.

Right now, dear Readers, I  have more questions than answers.  But I am enjoying discovering the answers, and you can bet that as soon as I discover something about myself, you’ll be the first to know.  Peace, ~v.


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