December 22, 2013
I don’t belong. I don’t know why, I just know that I don’t. Perhaps I should back up a bit. I am at my niece’s graduation party…
I can well imagine that most families function somewhat similar to mine. From a very early age, we settle into our “place” in the family. I’m at a loss as to who or what determines our roles, but they are definitely defined. There are no fuzzy lines that blur your public persona with your family role. And no one outside of your immediate family will ever mistake your public personality for your family one, they just won’t.
My family role is the “fuck-up that doesn’t live up to her potential.”. At least that’s what It has been on and off for the past 15 or so years. And quite frankly, dear Readers, there was a time when that was an apt description of who I was. However, I have struggled long and hard to overcome that label. Unfortunately, I don’t think my family role will ever change. In fact, I think my own children see me through the eyes of my family role.
My public persona is diametrically opposed to my family one. In public, I am self-confident, self-assured, more than competent and outspoken. Just different all the way around, I suppose.
So, having so long ago established my family role, I am reluctant to shed it; it’s just easier this way. And so, why do I feel that I don’t belong?
Although I have been back from overseas for six months now, there are still members if my family who have yet to even ask one question about my time there. And so, I say nothing, unless asked, which doesn ‘t happen. But people outside of my family ask me about my time there, and they are genuinely interested. When i tell people of my adventures, I am animated and entertaining. I am as close to the real me as I’m ever going to get. Contrast that with the “unstable” role some in my family cast me as, and not only do I feel like I don’t fit in, I feel like I will never live up to my potential. Hmm, go figure.
I’m hoping to one day meld my family role with my public one and feel like I fit in with my family. Until then, I’ll just have to be satisfied that at least I’m someplace where everybody knows my name. Peace, ~v.