My [redacted] Journey

A teacher's search for inner peace.

It’s In the Cards

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July 15, 2014

Dear Readers,

I recently wrote that I was celebrating my one year anniversary writing my blog, My [redacted] Journey.  Having reached that milestone, I envision taking my writing into a new direction.  What that entails exactly, I do not know.  I do know one thing, however.  I do know how to tackle my indecisiveness.

At the heart of the matter is my lack of clarity and guidance.  I am  not clear what I want to ‘do’ with my writing.  Therefore, I lack the proper guidance to get me there.  Usually, a major concern such as this,  puts me in an emotional state;  I feel anxious, I begin to obsess, I am easily irritated.  Not this time, I have a better handle on my life’s direction.

Next, I take a good look at why I am resistant to explore my options.  The reason I am holding back this time is because I have recently started a journey of self-discovery and it hasn’t always been pleasant.  In the back of my mind, I am afraid the only thing I will discover about my writing is that I shouldn’t be writing.

Then, I check my motives for wanting what I want, in this case, to pursue my writing.  I check myself for any ulterior motives, any hidden agenda.  In this case, I feel a twinge of guilt for wanting to do something other that teach.  I recognized my inner calling long ago, so to change it up, I must not be judgmental and learn to make the hard choices without the guilt.

Once I stop judging myself and what I desire, I see what was once important to me begin to slip away.  For example, in order to concentrate on my writing, there are certain qualities in which I have to let go.  If writing become my life’s focus, my nurturing, caring side would  become a former focus of mine instead of my primary focus.

So where do my attitudes and beliefs fit in?  What are my goals insofar as writing is concerned?  What is the alternative future for me as a writer and not me as a teacher?  The answer to these questions is for me to us my common sense.  If I take a realistic approach to my writing, an opening may appear that leads to my taking a chance with a future in writing.

It is only then that I begin to face unresolved issues about my personality that may make taking a different path, such as that of a writer, even more difficult.  Here is my breakdown:  I have to resources to teach, but not the knowledge to learn.  I have the capacity to lead, but am hesitant to do the following.  And I have the humility to give, yet the hubris to never receive.

Subsequently, I see myself as having suffered one too many losses to begin with something new and lose that, as well.  I have suffered great losses of things (and people) that I loved, and right now, I am feeling deprived of love in general.  I realize I have made wrong choices in my lie, I am apprehensive to make many more.

Here is where it is always best to see myself through the eyes of others.  Others perceive me as energetic, outgoing, cheerful, and self-assured.  Sometimes, those perceptions are only what I am projecting into the universe.  I have to stop all of the negativity making a loop through my brain.  I need to begin to see myself in a more positive light.

So then, what are my hopes and fears about my future writing endeavors?  I believe that writing is a gift I must use to feel fulfilled.  Writing, in conjunction with teaching, represents that which will help me become connected, engaged with what is around me.  I am in a position to realize my heart’s desire: to actively contribute to society and to be of service to others.

So, what do I see as the overall outcome with respect to my writing?  Well, I do not believe my writing has run its course; I still have so much I have to get out to the masses.  I see that it is time for me to take action.  I have thought about my writing and I have imagined me as a writer.  I even dream of being a writer.  Now is the time for me to act.  Soon the dust will settle and I will see how my plans have fared.  Meanwhile dear Readers, any suggestions?  Peace, ~v.

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