My [redacted] Journey

A teacher's search for inner peace.

“Where’s your happiness now?”

10 Comments


May 26, 2015

Dear Readers,

Recently, I had a falling out with a friend.  Sunshine (not her real name) had been a lifelong friend.  She was the person I turned to for help every time I fell.  And believe you me, I fell more than a dozen times in as many years.  She was my rock, my steady friend, my sunshine.  However, I have since come to realize that she was my friend only when I was down and out; once I was able to stand on my own two feet, Sunshine’s friendship would disappear.

Over the years, I have told Sunshine my deepest, darkest fears, my most outlandish aspirations, and every little thing that makes me tick.  I was under the misguided assumption that she would hold my secrets close to her heart, just as I did to hers.  Sadly, I was mistaken.  I will never make that mistake again.

Over the past three years, and with Sunshine’s help, I have found my happiness.  It is through no small feat that I am able to look at myself in the mirror and smile.  I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished.  I have come a long way.  Conversely, I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed at how low I sank in recent years.  I had just come to a point in my life where I had forgiven myself my past mistakes.  In other words, I was happy.

On the outside, I appear really put together.  I’m independent, smart, tough, and sometimes even funny.  Very few people know that on the inside I am more than a little unsteady.  In fact, I am a scared little girl on the inside.  Sunshine was one of the few people who knew of my insecurities.  She was also the last person I thought would exploit those insecurities.  But not only did she exploit those insecurities, she chewed them up and spit them back into my face like so many before her, that I was this close to believing all of the vile things she said to me and about me.  Little did she know that I would take a piece of advice she recently gave me, and use it to keep my wits about me, whereas usually, I would crumple.

In the past few months, I had begun to confide in Sunshine how very happy I was.  Sometimes, unable to contain how happy I was, a smile would break across my face and a giggle would escape from my lips.  I could be as giddy as a schoolgirl.  My happiness came from a place that I believe few people I know have ever experienced.  I had survived an almost certain death; not only survived, but walked away from.  After shaking my head in disbelief for a couple of months, I have accepted that I survived because I have so much more to give.  This realization was the catalyst for my happiness.  So, of course I was giddy!  I mean, who wouldn’t be, right?  And I almost let it all slip away because of a few well-placed barbs spewed from a would-be friend.

After a vile and disgusting exchange of words from both myself and Sunshine, she left me with these words, “Where’s your happiness now?”  It almost shook me to my core.  But now, I have an answer for her:

My happiness resides in a place no one can touch.  My happiness belongs to me and me alone, so that only I can make myself unhappy.  My happiness is with me when I wake up in the morning and with me when I close my eyes at night.  My happiness is knowing that not only am I a good person, but that I am a person worthy of being loved.  My happiness is knowing that I am highly blessed and Divinely favored.  My happiness is right here, right where it belongs.

Sunshine once told me that I needed to get rid of all of the people in my life who were toxic.  And although it will create a hole in my heart, I fear I must take her advice.  Goodbye Sunshine, I wish you well.  Peace, ~v.

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10 thoughts on ““Where’s your happiness now?”

  1. Oh Victoria, that makes me so sad for you. There is nothing more hurtful than having someone you love and trust blindside you and spit it all in your face. I understand the feeling, I will never do that again! But, deep down, I know I need that kind of special person in my life, as we all do. I love how you have found that you are responsible for your own happiness. It helps me understand I am responsible for my own happiness. You are such a beautiful person, inside and outside. It is her loss, by far, and not yours. I have missed you my friend and I am so glad to see you back on the blogs. You probably already know, I am not with the Hub anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Someone once told me that your life is too important to trust to anyone other than yourself.

    Like

  3. Oh my gosh – such jealousy from her! When you wrote ‘My happiness belongs to me and me alone, so that only I can make myself unhappy.’ That is the key to prolonging that confidence and happiness. That is such a wonderful and powerful thing to know – that so many people don’t. I’ve only very recently learned this (from a book, I didn’t figure it out for myself) and it’s a revelation. I had a best friend for a decade and we went through incredible highs and lows together. It came to a head when we met up with old school friends and I had a lot of confidence and immediately clicked back with them and she started acting like such a diva and demanding things of me. She basically made a complete ass of her self, let a huge damaging secret slip and reminded me of why our friendship was on it’s last legs in the first place. Some insecure people can’t handle their friends gaining confidence and happiness. Now you have room to find wonderful new friends! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I guess it’s all in you’re perspective and as always, that is all that matters. be well and go with God

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